Kodeks ponašanja (fr. Etiquette) koji određuje konvencionalne norme interakcije sa drugim članovima civilizovanog društva. Znamo da si odustao još kod otvorene zagrade. Ali takođe znamo da se u tebi propne na dve noge kakav crv nemira kada se sa ćaletom obrušiš na pečenje kao demonstranti na McDonald’s. Bonton podrazumeva utemeljenje gorepomenutih normi još za odgoja, za šta matursko veče i svatovske šatre dakako nisu bili suficijentni. Šta’š sad? Ideš da upoznaš taštu, i premda ona takođe liže isti prst prekriven pilećim blaženstvom koji joj je do malo pre obitavao po dupetu dok je gledala Slagalicu, ona je ipak bila i po nekakvim zadružnim banketima, i zna kako da misaono prdne. Jasno, izleteće ti nešto neprimereno za stolom tipa „Olja Bećković“, ali možeš makar da pokušaš da ne umočiš krempitu u supu.
Ko ne pije, pola mu se prašta
Naravno da će gospođa mama navaljivati da se proba prošlogodišnja berba, ali ne nasedaj – izvali nešto kredibilno, tipa „ne podnosim dobro alkohol“, jer „ja samo u retkim prilikama“ je dosta providno. Dobićeš nekakav babin sok, i imati na umu da sok ne služi da se pije, nego da se ima. Tako ćeš proračunati da u svakom trenutku izgledaš kao da uživaš u svom soku, a do kraja večeri će ti ostati tačno s’ prsta na dnu čaše. Ne traži vode, i ne odbijaj to jedno pivo sa tastom koji se sa zakašnjenjem dovukao pijan kući; ne vole da si frajer i kurvar, ali ne vole ni da si Bogdan Diklić.
Supa, meso, sos
Sveto trojstvo trpeze o zvaničnim, ali ne i značajnim posetama. Supa je test psihičke stabilnosti: moraš da se silno (ali odmereno, macanski) obraduješ onom usamljenom zrnu kukuruza u tanjiru, ali ne smeš da ga vijaš. Tašta gleda – a kad vidi da ti je zrno konačno sletelo u kašiku, mora da izgleda kao da si ti to baš u tom trenutku tako ‘teo. Konstantno izbalansirani osmeh – ni šmeker ni pička, i sipaj supu u usta sa boka kašike. Košulja je realno najebala, ali vežbaj kod kuće… Meso iz lonca je test seksualne kvalifikovanosti, sve je u tajmingu. Završi tačno kada i ostali, i ni ranije ni kasnije. Srkanje, pljuvanje i lomljenje kostiju svakako nisu plus, ali ako je to cena da se usinhronizuješ sa gospodinom tatom – znaj šta ti je prioritet. Sos sa preostalom barevinom je istovremeno ispit i finansijskog statusa i fleksibiliteta. S’ jedne strane ne smeš previše da pohvaljuješ niti da tražiš repete, jer će ili provaliti da sereš, ili će bož’meoprosti misliti da kod kuće za slavu kačamak jedete. Sa druge strane, ako iskažeš negodovanje makar i u najavi, i nasluti se da se pitaš šta je glavno jelo, bićeš smatran nepogodnim za ratno stanje i ‘ćerinu kulinarsku nenaprednost. Možda neadekvatnost. Dobro, ne ume jaja da isprži, ali to si morao znati i sam još kada si joj surduknuo u usta na prvi pogled ispod stejdža na moto-susretu u Loku.
Kec u rukavu
Rezanci. Sa nečim zajebanim. Zagorela joj je musaka, jer je baš danas eto imala produženi čas joge, pa je morala na brzinu nešto da smisli. Oprez sa ovakvom taštom, žene nikada ne diskvalifikuju sebe same, te kada priča o zagoreloj musaki a da je niko ništa nije pit’o – il’ radi za KGB, il’ je čitala neke Gloria dodatke o „toplo-hladno“ tehnikama. U oba slučaja, reci ti nama, pre nego što kažemo mi tebi – da li su špagete slučajnost? Otvori oči i uši, naučiti da jedeš rezance po bontonu nećeš nikada, ali preživi veče, vodi snajku kući, i odgajaj više tu decu da imaš i ti koga da zajebavaš.
– Kada istraživački ispustiš šaku u tanjir, napipaj nešto što nije sos. U’vati rezanac i kreni da ga motaš oko prsta
– Kada ga približiš ustima i kreneš da srčeš, gledaj da te drugi kraj iznenadi negde po glavi/vratu
– Preliv pokupi kašikom s’ vremena na vreme s’ kraja tanjira, oni Hju Grantovi fazoni viljuška+špagete+sos=izbalansiran zalogaj imaju veze sa realnošću koliko i Maja Divac
– Ne obaziri se na tasta koji seče kao da je gibanica, njegove je zapekla u mikrotalasnoj da se ne bruka
Ne likuj
Kada si preživeo poligon, iako tenzija prividno splašnjava – tašta je od onih što nikada ne gase radare, naime žena. Ne odskakuj sa stolice kad podrigneš u sebi, ne ostavljaj iznenađenje u WC-u, prekrij usta dlanom dok budeš čačkao zube, dva do tri puta odbij da ti spakuje kolače, i trijumfalni kez zameni poniznim osmehom samo kada ti se neko obrati. Budi džek i igraj dalje kao da nisi već pobedio, jer kad gospođa mama kroz šest meseci ili dvajez’ godina krene da ti obračunava šta si zgrešio – nekih tura se ni sam nećeš setiti.
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